Starve.Org White Noise Usenet Archive: "Open a New Door"

This is NOT mine. Direct all comments to <Shrink555@aol.com>

Disclaimer: Mulder, Scully, belong to Chris Carter
and Ten-Thirteen. No infringement intended.

MSR V PG Spoiler: SP and minor mentions.

Summary: Mulder and Scully examine their options.

Archive: Gossamer. Others please notify me and keep my name and
addy with it. Shrink555 <Shrink555@aol.com>

Already posted to atxc

Thanks to Mary Greten and to the Beta Readers Circle.

Open A New Door
by Shrink555 <Shrink555@aol.com>

Sitting on the couch, Dana Scully felt like she had been punched in
the stomach with loaded boxing glove. It was on that very couch that
Eddie Van Blundht posing as Mulder had tried to......She shook her
head in short quick motions as if to re-align her brain and to expel the
troubling thought from her mind.

She'd had feelings for Mulder before. They were just... different.
She had always perceived him as so much more than a partner, but still
less than a lover. The events replayed over and over in her mind. He
leaned over her, she opened up faster than she had intended to
..... and the door blasted open. Her emotions reran a flood of
intense feelings ending in total and utter embarrassment.

Too much to handle at one time.

Even worse was that Mulder undoubtedly knew what
was coming down. He was no fool.It would be a long while
before she would feel comfortable on that couch again.
Could she ever look him in the eyes again, because every
time she did, she would see Van Blundht.

She and Mullder worked well together. Why did it have to change?

Thinking back, she should have been able to tell that it wasn't
really him. He didn't act anything like the real Mulder. He was open
and expressive. Mulder didn't go for personal stuff. Just little things.
The wine. The way his hair was parted. The clothes he wore.
They were all so uncharacteristic of him.

She stood up, unable to sit on the horrid couch anymore. Walking
slowly over to the picture window, she crossed her arms and
continued to mull over the maddening events. Why did this have to
happen now? Things were...fine (well, except for my cancer) No
atter, she liked things the way they were. But.

"Do I really feel that strongly about Mulder?"

The question had lingered, from the second Van Blundht as Mulder
had leaned over her. Now she slowly came to realize, that she did.
She needed to sit down again, to prevent her knees form buckling.
Not on the couch. She moved to the kitchen table, and lowered
herself slowly into one of the chairs. Tracing invisible patterns on
the surface of the table with her finger she thought,

"This is really going to screw things up".

Relationships in the work place never worked out. Trying not to ignore
what she knew to be true, she remembered all of the totally illogical
things that had happened to the two of them in the last few years.
Strange occurrences, the supernatural, and running all over the
country at a second's notice had become everyday events.

Logic dictated that to not get involved was best; but logic didn't seem
to run high in this line of work and she may be running out of time.

She realized she couldn't lie to herself anymore.

She wanted to be with him; she had never wanted to admit it.
On more than one occasion she had listened to messages from
other women or seen his collection of his favorite line of
"entertainment". She had been...What?? Jealous? Protective?
Worried?

Jealous.

She suddenly surprised herself by wishing that he would look
at her like he did his tapes. She smiled a little bit and wondered
what he would think... God only knows what he would think. Sure
he had flirted with her on numerous occasions, and even made very
suggestive comments... But outside of a teasing friendship? She
didn't know. She smiled wider, and almost laughed.

She honestly didn't know!

She would lose her mind if she stayed home much longer.
Necessity reminded her that she was almost out of milk.
And she really, really wanted a bowl of ice cream.

Turning off the lights, she shuddered slightly. So many frightening
memories sprang to life. Tooms, Van Blundht, Boggs, Pheister,
Flukeman, those killer cats. Name it.

She picked up her keys. Turning them over in her small hand, she
left the darkened room. She paid special attention to lock the dead
bolt on her door.

*****

"Scully, I..." Fox Mulder began for the one thousandth time.

"I ...no,, no. Dana, I think..." He stuttered for the one thousandth
and first time now.

He paced back and forth trying to figure out how to tell her he
loved her. Damn it!! Why couldn't he just come out and say it?

We're straight with each other (well, mostly), he reasoned, why
should this be different? Why can't I do this? In frustration, he
kicked a nearby basketball against the wall, grunting in the exertion.
It hit the wall with a loud thud, bounced onto the floor and rolled away.

"That's gonna' leave a mark", he observed, not really caring. He had
wanted to tell her for so long. Now. he felt he was running out of
time especially after seeing her and Eddie Van Blundht. He wanted
to kill him. How could he even try to do that to her? His jealousy
returned again. In other cases men had come on to her. He'd done
it himself. She always handled it gracefully, but it bothered him. His
whole body ached; he wished with all his heart that really had been
him on the couch with her.

She had to love him, right?

So much had happened in the last few years. Things changed, people
had died, he had met Scully... Could he handle more rejection? If he
lost her over this, he didn't know what she would do... Life without
Scully just didn't seem possible. He'd done it once before for months.

Those months had felt like an eternity.

Four years ago, sitting in his car with her waiting for Eugene Victor
Tooms, she had told him that he was the only one she would put
herself on the line for. Something in her voice, the way she said it.
He totally believed her. He found that he could really trust her.
First fondness, then love had grown for her everyday since.
He had tried to hide it. He thought he did a pretty good job.

He couldn't pretend any longer.

He sat down heavily on his worn couch, and leaned back. Putting his
feet onto the very cluttered coffee table in front of him, he ran his
hands up and over his face and head then ran his fingers through his
hair, leaving his hands on the back of his neck. His gaze fell on the
basketball rolling by, and slowly, he picked it up. Turning it over in his
hands, he pounded it lightly on his forehead, then just let the weight of
his head sit on it. He was exhausted. Then, he remembered something
a man had said to them what seemed like so long ago,

"You need to go full circle to find the truth."

He stood up, tossed the ball, grabbed his jacket and keys, and left.
Luckily, his car knew the way; his mind rushed ahead.

*******

Dana Scully opened her door, turned on the light and was surprised to
find her partner asleep in her armchair. He had his head tilted back, his
mouth slightly open. His hands were on the arms of the chair, and his
legs were straight out in front of him. Elated to see him, as she always
was, she was also wearying of finding him in her apartment
unannounced. She closed the door, slightly louder than normal
waking the sleeping giant. He awoke with a start, and was quickly on
his feet. He wavered slightly, disoriented, then gathered himself.

"You do have your own apartment, right?" She said smiling a little as
she set down her purse and keys.

"Yeah," He said looking down at his feet. "I just needed... needed to,
to tell you something."

Scully walked into the kitchen and deposited the milk in the fridge and
her new supply of ice cream in the freezer before rejoining him in the
living room.

"Yes?" She found herself a little concerned with the strange way he
was acting. The last time "he" acted like this.... just awhile ago....

He took a few nervous steps in her direction and began.

"I just wanted to tell you, that, I ...I ..."

They were only an arm's length apart now, and he looked up at her and
into her rapidly growing, confused eyes. He loved her eyes. As much
as he did love them, he couldn't bring himself to look into them as he
said it, so again, he stared at the hardwood floor.

He rubbed the back of his neck quickly and quietly blurting,

"I love you."

There! He had said it!!!! So much weight off his shoulders, but now,
what did she think? He looked up and gave her his infamous lopsided
grin that usually melted any argument she had. She laughed nervously,
She couldn't believe it, but as she watched him squirm, clearly
uncomfortable, she was relieved that he said it first.

Waiting for her response, Mulder didn't know what else to do. He took
one of her hands in each of his, gazing into her eyes he said,

"Scul - no, Dana, do you remember the phrase, 'full circle to find the
truth'?" She nodded slowly that she did, and he continued.

"Well, I've been full circle. And this is the truth. I love you."

Oh, there was that smile again... Now she dropped her head, and
smiled again. He put one finger gently under her chin, and
softly guided it up until her eyes met his.

Then, in all the voice she could muster, she barely whispered,

"Really?"

He answered only a little louder,

"Really."

He gently pulled her toward him with his finger again, and kissed her.
Softly at first, then a little harder. She closed her eyes, then gladly
welcomed, and returned it. As he ran his finger over her ear, through
her soft hair, then stopping at the back of her head to draw her nearer,
she wrapped her arms around the back of his neck, standing on her toes
to do so. He wrapped his arm around her small waist and could not
recall how long he had dreamed about this very moment.

`Suddenly, she pulled away.

Mulder looked first hurt, then confused.

She spun away from him and brought a finger to the base of her nose.
She pulled it into view, revealing a small dab of dark blood. Shit, she
swore silently. She managed a little laugh, obviously embarrassed.

"I'm sorry, Mulder. Oh, God. Talk about killing the moment!" She
squeaked as she retreated briskly to the bathroom.

Mulder sat down on the couch and rubbed his face vigorously with his
hands. It was his fault her nose was bleeding. Scully's cancer was his
fault. He hated himself for it. He hated "them" even more for it.
Dropping his hands to his lap, he glared ahead, not really looking at
anything, until he focused on a picture of Scully and her sister, Melissa.
Melissa's death had been his fault too. If he hadn't gotten them into
that case, Melissa would probably still be alive. He dropped his head
over the back of the couch and studied the ceiling until he heard the
bathroom door open.

He stood up too fast, but ignored the dizzy, fuzzy feeling and was
quickly at her side. She crossed her arms over her chest and looked
away, like she was about to cry. He put an understanding and
affectionate hand on her shoulder and squeezed softly. As she began to
slowly stumble toward the couch, he dropped his and to the small of her
back and followed a step behind. She sat down, pulling up her legs
under her, and Mulder sat down next to her, putting an arm around her.
Then the tears rained. She only cried for a few of minutes, but it felt
like an eternity to him. He sat there the whole time rubbing her arm
gently, which made her feel better. Through the tear fall she
indulged herself in the warmth and tenderness of his touch.

When she had finished, dried her eyes, she rested her head on his
shoulder, confessed. Not only to him, but to herself too.

"It's starting to get to me." she sniffed.

"I know, I know. It's okay." He said offering as much reassurance as
he could, even though he really didn't know how.

"I'm tired, and, I'm ...scared." She sighed deeply with a shudder as she
closed her eyes and buried her face further into his warm, inviting
shoulder.

"That makes two of us, kid." He cooed with a little smile.

She reached over, picked up his free hand and interlaced her fingers
with his. She smiled a little at how tiny her hands felt when next to his.
She hoped it was a feeling she would have again.

"I love you, too."

She whispered before she fell asleep in his arms. He brushed a few
stray strands of hair out of her closed eyes, and gave her a soundless
kiss on the top of her head. He released her, careful not to wake her,
then reached over and draped a blanket over them. He wrapped his
arm back around her and rested his cheek on the spot he kissed her just
before he dozed off.

Later, less tired, they would open their next door. Logical or not.