Starve.Org White Noise Usenet Archive: "ADBFest 97"

With all the recent hype about planning for DBFest 99 - Las Vegas, I thought I'd
take this opportunity to repost Don Guido's excellent account of what went on at
the 1997 Fest also in Las Vegas. It might bring back a lot of good memories for
old-timers who attended the fest, and give the new folks an idea of what to
expect at this year's event.

It's in five parts, but I could only find four of them... kind of like ADBFest
in a way, I guess...

- Mark Mathu
http://www.mathu.com/

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Ahoy, ye drunken bastards! Part 1.
Author: Don Guido <guido@drunkenbastards.org>
Date: 1997/08/13
Forum: alt.drunken.bastards

Woohoo, you bastards! For those of you who missed it, and I know
there were many, the 1997 Vegas Tour has finally ground to a halt.

Along the way there were many an adventure, and in this account I
shall try and make a note of each that I can recall, but shall accept
no responsibility for those that I cannot or for those that I cannot
recall correctly.

And away we go...

08/07/1997 20:00 Eastern Time.
Charlotte, NC - Airport

The day has finally come. The 1997 DB InFESTation of Las Vegas is
about to begin. The USAirways 737-200 sits lonely on the runway,
waiting for the lone Charlotte bastard to get off his ass and board
for the trip to Atlanta. With nothing else to do, I oblige.

08/07/1997 21:30 Eastern Time.
Atlanta, GA - Airport

After a thankfully short flight, the big step is waiting. The
America West Airbus 320 waits (at the next gate over, even - truly
this is a good omen!) for the trek to Las Vegas.

08/07/1997 22:30 Eastern Time through 23:45 Pacific Time.
Atlanta, GA - Las Vegas, NV

The America West seats in first class are truly first rate. At least
two people can fit comfortably in each, and no one is next to me, so
four bastards could comfortably sit in my row.

Unfortunately, the service sucks. During a four hour flight, I could
only imbibe about seven drinks. And strangely enough, the flight
attendant bastard kept trying to dissuade me from drinking further by
telling me that whatever I was drinking had run out.

Luckily, I proceed undaunted to other elixirs that have not yet had
the misfortune to be woefully under stocked. Interestingly enough,
the snacks are pistachio nuts - an interesting choice that is not
altogether a bad one. But the cashews on the way back were better.

And the cold salmon salad was dreadful. To top it all off, the video
system was malfunctioning, so no movie. Even worse - the massive
seats are horribly uncomfortable for sleeping. The leather is
apparently too well maintained, as my drunken ass is often nearly
falling off the seat cushion (which could still have been used for
flotation).

08/07/1997 23:45 Pacific Time.
Las Vegas, NV - Airport

Arrival! Now to find the other dbs who are supposed to be in the
airport for the Fest. After successive pages of Bellygang Jim (BGJ),
BrianH returns one and we set out to find each other in the airport.
In the interim, he is found by Bellygang Noreen (BGN) and they find
their way to the information desk where I am waiting impatiently, not
having had a drink for nearly an hour.

After a length of time spent discussing the whereabouts of Nippleboy,
we decide he is capable of finding his way downtown and we quickly
find a taxi to take us to the Four Queens, where the Bellygang and
BrianH have reservations for the night, there having been no room in
the Binion's.

After checking in, we check with Sondra's room and find a number of
DBs already there and waiting. While the Bellygang and BrianH head
off to their rooms, I trek across the street (this is a loose term -
it involved threading my way through no less than two casino
labyrinths with one street being crossed somewhere in between) to my
own reservation at Binion's. Unfortunately, the most helpful Lulu
cannot find my reservation. She does, however, provide a single room
($25) that I can use for the night, and straighten the rest out in
the morning. I proceed to drop off my bags in the room. It is now
approximately 02:00 in Las Vegas.

Fighting my way back through the labyrinth of casinos (and stopping
to get a fresh white russian ($1.25) on the way), I stagger my way to
Sondra's room, only to be greeted by way more dbs than should ever be
in a single room as small as this one. Apparently the security of
the Four Queens agrees with us and asks us to keep the noise level
down.

Present at this time are: the Bellygang and BrianH, Sondra, Al, Mark,
Cruise, GregM, Gonzo, Oso, Jaz, Leaf, Rab, Riddler and myself.
Canadian showed up shortly thereafter to stamp everyone with the
infamous "drunkard" label and be generally loud. We also signed a
lovely db name tag for Micah, who could not join us.

After the very pleasant security guard came by, Sondra lovingly
kicked us out into the hall, where we met the (finally) just arrived
Nippleboy. Somehow the group of bastards was separated, and a small
but loyal group went just downstairs. This consisted of the
Bellygang, BrianH, Oso and myself (anyone else?).

The bars in the downtown area seem to be mightily consistent in mixed
drink prices, with various drinks fetching from $1.00 to $1.50, but
rarely more than that. This turned out to be my lucky morning, as
after feeding four quarters into a seemingly useless slot machine, I
piled up 720 credits ($180), which we immediately cashed and went out
to drink somewhere else.

This group loudly adjourned to the Fremont Street Experience (FSE), a
kind of canopied walkway which is shared by a number of casinos,
souvenir shops and a topless bar (more on that one later). There is
also a pretty cool light show that happens at night. Strangely, I
didn't see this until Sunday - my last night there. Our merry band
quickly encountered some of the other DBs - Gonzo, Nippleboy, Jaz,
Leaf, Rab & Riddler. Telling them of my good fortune, we went to
find a bar that stocked "the good stuff". I have wondered if we
would have looked for the good stuff if I wasn't buying the first
round. I don't think we would have.

We came upon the Main Street Station (MSS), a place wholly unique in
Las Vegas as they served drinks by pouring them from a bottle rather
than using a gun to shoot several different kinds of liquor at any
given time. It is useful to point out at this point that BrianH was
carrying a concealed weapon of sorts - a 1.75 bottle of Jim Beam. It
is also useful to note that there were not many drinks being carried
between casinos at this point (other than the Jim Beam, which we were
trying to conceal). This would change.

Shortly into MSS, we were told not to video tape anything (presumably
the machines), and just to have a generally good time. It is also
worth noting that BrianH's bottle was eyed suspiciously but generally
disregarded.

A wonderful fellow named Bryan helped us with our drinking needs that
night, and from what I recall was rewarded by significant tips
throughout the night. I have little recollection of what we actually
drank, but some "expensive" (for Las Vegas) tequila shots and some
sort of martini seemed to be the most popular at the time. For those
of you considering, it is worthy to point out that the entire first
round of drinks (that I bought in return for the support received
during my game-playing) cost me only $25. And this was for the
expensive drinks. There was not a single one that cost over $4 - and
most of these drinks would *start* at $5-$6 anywhere else in the
world.

Sometime around 5am the UK crew (Jaz, Leaf, Rab & Riddler) took off.

The remaining East Coast bastards and the boys from Phoenix kept
going until nearly 6am, where we abandoned MSS and went to find
someplace to eat, drink in hand. We wandered for a while until a
dealer outside of Binion's told us we could find a $2.99 steak & egg
special at the Las Vegas Club (LVC) that was going on as we spoke -
it seems nowhere else really advertised that they serve breakfast at
this point.

While we were wandering, we made it up to room 904 in Binion's (which
belonged to the Canadian contingent) and I seem to recall banging on
the door for an extended period of time, then leaving because no one
would answer. Later we called from a house phone (spoke to Michelle,
I think), only to be told that Canadian had passed out on the floor
around 4am and there was no way any of those girls were going to open
the door for the lunatics banging away outside. Lightweights. We
let 'em sleep.

The food at LVC was quite good, except Gonzo's eggs were quite runny
and he had a bit of a tiff with the waiter over whether we should pay
for this meal or not. As it turned out, the waiter received about a
$0.50 tip. This was easily the smallest tip of the weekend given by
any db. Also of note - Oso had some Huevos Rancheros that were
wonderful and Nips & I ate at his leftovers until the plate was
nearly spotless. In case you're wondering, I did have the steak and
eggs, which were quite good.

After the food, we went back outside to find the sun starting to
shine brightly and that it obviously was not in any way what could be
called nighttime anymore. Everyone decided to head back to their
rooms for some well-deserved sleep. I wandered for a bit until I too
went back to the room, only to find a message light on the phone. It
was Lulu from the desk and she had found my reservation - it was held
under my name, but my first name was listed as my last and
vice-versa. So at about 7:30am I moved my bags from one side of the
hotel to the other, made a few phone calls to some East Coast people
who were at work by this point, and finally crashed. Luckily I was
only charged for a $25 stay, even though I was in the larger double
room ($35) when I actually slept. Woohoo!

To be continued...

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Ahoy, ye drunken bastards! Part 3.
Author: Don Guido <guido@drunkenbastards.org>
Date: 1997/08/13
Forum: alt.drunken.bastards

Saturday (06:00?).

Wake up. Feel like shit. Walk to the bathroom, retch a few times,
but nothing is in my stomach to come up. Brush my teeth, take a
shower, back to bed.

Saturday (13:00?).

Rough day. Nips and I decide to go get something to eat, so we head
to the Lanai Cafe in the Fremont (?). The food is quite good, but I
can only stomach about three bites, taken in between the multiple
glasses of water and iced tea that I drink. I get the rest to go and
we head back to our room.

A few minutes after arriving, I throw up. All the water, iced tea,
the few bites of breakfast. Everything in my stomach. I feel
wonderful and wolf down the rest of the food that I brought back.
More sleep is needed.

Saturday (17:00?).

Woohoo! Feel much better. Nips and I get up to go out for some
drinks. Perhaps this is when the alleged manhandling took place. I
don't remember. Anyone?

Shortly thereafter I find myself in the Bellygang's room, getting
ready for Battista's Italian Feast. RobF shows up and we make offers
odds on Sondra's being ready in time. We head over to her room and
she is - I win!

The dbs gather quickly and we drink everything to be found in the
room. Brad Warren shows up (first time I've seen him). The pirate
motif has started at some point, and nearly everything out of
anyone's mouth begins with "Argh!" or "Aye!" or some variation.

I recall answering the phone in Sondra's room with a couple of
"Argh!"s - it was Michelle and the Canadian crew (who were
conspicuously absent, as was Nippleboy).

The fun begins. Three minivan cabs are needed for the ride, with me
being in the middle one. Brad, Oso and myself are in the backseat,
Gonz is in the front with Rab. The nipplesex has begun in earnest by
this point. Along the ride, we have massive bouts of nipplesex and
pirate-speak. Gonzo tapes most for posterity (*not posterior* -
that's coming up shortly). Rab just lets out an "Argh!" every once
in a while.

As we near Battista's, our driver (Gabriel?) starts making frantic
noises - apparently he was mooned by Leafy. We of course missed out,
so ask her to repeat it. She obliges, and we return the favor by
mooning the other cab, directly behind us.

Finally we arrive at Battista's and stare in awe at the display of
mini-bottles on the wall. It's huge. Meanwhile someone (Jaz?)
orders Newcastles all around, and we begin to wait impatiently to be
seated. Eventually we are (as we have quieted down noticeably at
this point), and seated in a quite crowded banquet room type area.
Strangely enough, this clears out in a matter of minutes. The
appetizers and dinners take what seems like forever. The wine is
still flowing, however.

During dinner, the scene was much like a riot - completely out of
control and just flowing wherever it might go. Oso was wiped out by
the wine, Cruise was spilling nearly every glass on himself, PamelaJ
was flashing everyone and Brad & I were having NippleSex (with Oso
when he was coherent enough).

Finally the food came. All kinds of food. There were plates up and
down the tables, and dbs along the length grabbed whatever was handy.
I remember people spearing the Italian Sausage in my plate. I
grabbed a few raviolis and ate them with my hands. Someone (Sondra?)
passed lasagna down. Oso had chicken parmagian. All of it was
delicious. And now that I think back, the near end of the table
(Oso, Brad, Gonzo, Cruise, Geoff, PamelaJ, RobF, Badart, Mark and
myself) was very much louder than the other end. Odd. Ah well.

At at least one point, we were told be a management type person to be
quiet. And at another time someone told us to keep our shirts on
(Jaz had apparently lost his alogether while mine & Brad's were often
up for NippleSex). We made it through though, and that bastard of
all bastards RobF put the entire dinner on his credit card! Woohoo!
Rob - if you're ever in my neck of the woods, let me know. Dinner
and drinks on me!

After dinner we adjourned to the parking lot, where much NippleSex,
AssRubbing and kissing took place. After nearly an hour we decided
to go to the roller coaster at NYNY. RobF knew the way. We made it
across the street to Ballys and were getting on the monorail to the
MGM Grand when Cruise spilled an ashtray on his shirt, making it even
worse than before. We were told at least three times to quiet down
or we would never be able to ride the monorail again. Ever. So we
did, and agreed to have no more NippleSex until we got out of the
monorail area.

The rest of the ride was uneventful, with RobF talking to some tennis
prodigy (Alex?) the whole way there. Oso and I had quiet NippleSex
and terrified a poor young lady across from us. RobF talked to her
and told her it was an internet thing. She seemed somehow relieved.

After arriving at the MGM Grand, Cruise bought a new shirt and we
lost most everyone. The Bellygang, Cruise, RobF, PamelaJ and myself
continued to NYNY, only to find the Roller Coaster closed because of
whether (it was raining). We took a limo taxi back to the hotel,
where another hour or so passed and I called it a night.

To be continued...

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Ahoy, ye drunken bastards! Part 4.
Author: Don Guido <guido@drunkenbastards.org>
Date: 1997/08/13
Forum: alt.drunken.bastards

Sunday.

This morning started early. I went to breakfast in the coffee shop
at around 07:00, not being able to find any dbs out and those that I
call being a bit under the weather. I get back to the room around
8:30 and Nips is ready to go, so we head out.

At the race book bar (one of the more popular db hangouts), we find
Brad Warren and Sally drinking heavily. Apparently Michelle was with
them but passed out around 06:00.

Sally leaves soon after, but we continue to drink with Brad, getting
happy hour prices (whatever that means) from Mike the bartender -
another fan of adb, as he profited handsomely from us.

At some point we decide to go to the Four Queens for a shot of
Jagermeister. It's around 09:00 now. GregM has caught up with us,
as has Cruise. We head to the Four Queens, and after the morning
shot of Jager are ready to go, "argh!"ing away and being as obnoxious
as we can for the earliness of the hour.

Somewhere we decide to go to Treasure Island (TI) and see the
pirates, so we pile in a cab and head to the strip. We find TI and
eventually find out way to the pirate ship, but the fight doesn't
take place until 16:00, so we decide to head out. Someone along the
way suggested the Rio as a place to go where the locals hang out, and
we can see it so we start walking.

Along the way, a largish pickup truck is in a prime locale and we
have to make use of it to relieve ourselves. Shortly thereafter,
Brad Warren is seen running through a parking lot with his shirt
around his neck and his arms waving wildly, yelling something about
nipples.

The trek continues, and as we close in on the Rio, we get to a wall.
A pretty big wall, but not a huge one. We all look and jump onto it
and down the other side, but GregM takes a minute. Eventually we are
all over and only a parking lot away from the Rio.

Somewhere in this madness we started talking about the Green Burrito
and getting a Big Ed. Anyone ever had one? Good stuff. Anyway, we
make it (finally) to the Rio and sit at the bar and admire the
cocktail waitresses for a while, then ask the bartender (Russ, who
also admires the cocktail waitresses) where we can get a Big Ed
burrito. He doesn't know, but directs us upstairs to the Mexican
Restaurant. We order some girly drinks (that were quite good) and
some food (also quite good, but too much!) upstairs. After a while,
we head out of the Rio, walk nearly all the way around the hotel
(sorry guys) and finally find a cab back to Binion's.

After arriving at Binion's, the flaming red monkey butt hit from the
Mexican, but at least I was in the room, so it wasn't too bad. It
was, however, nap time and I laid around the room most of the
afternoon.

Before long, we ended up at the bar, getting ready to say goodbye to
our nipple-brother Brad. His plane was one of the earliest (PamelaJ
also left early Sunday, as did the Canadian crew). All of the rest
of the dbs turned out to send Brad back to the airport, and he
rewarded everyone with several butt-presses to the outside door of
the casino.

Oso and I gave him a good nipple-press on the door of his cab, and he
was gone. Truly a sad moment. But he has plans to come to
Charlotte, so all is not lost.

After Brad left, we spent the rest of the evening just sitting at the
bar. I had to switch briefly to water as my stomach was revolting
against me, and did so for a while. Finally it was feeling better
and I launched into a few final rounds with Nips and GregM and
Cruise. Nips left not much later, and I headed off to bed.

The InFESTation was almost over.

To be continued...

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Ahoy, ye drunken bastards! Part 5 (finale).
Author: Don Guido <guido@drunkenbastards.org>
Date: 1997/08/13
Forum: alt.drunken.bastards

Monday.

I woke up early, then realized that nearly everyone was gone and
there was a long time until the plane left. So I went back to sleep.
Around 10:00, I broke down and sadly packed my bags, preparing to
check out of Binion's.

I went to breakfast at the Paradise Buffet (not bad at all), then
came back and picked up my bags. I checked out of the hotel and
caught a cab to NYNY, determined to ride the roller coaster.

I checked my bags with the desk, and went to the roller coaster - the
line was huge! I wasn't feeling particularly patient, so I decided
I'd walk about the strip.

I wandered over to the MGM Grand, Excalibur and the Luxor, taking at
least a picture of each. I figured some tourism was needed after the
long weekend of none.

After this I went back to NYNY and now the roller coaster was closed
because of mechanical problems. So I walked down the strip, past the
Alladin and the Monte Carlo and some others that aren't too big.
Went back to Battista's and got some pictures. Headed down to
Treasure Island and finally saw the pirate battle (very cool, BTW -
the pirates won). Went past Caesar's and the Mirage, of course, and
the Flamingo Hilton and Bally's too. Took a whole roll of film.

Needless to say, it was pretty damn hot, so I went to a couple of
movies to waste some time in air-conditioned splendor. Saw Contact
(with Jodie Foster - good film) and Spawn (really bad, but neat
effects). Then it was time to go, so I made one last stop at NYNY to
try and catch the roller coaster. No luck, it was closed early
because of high winds or something.

So I picked up my bags and headed to the airport. I played a final
quarter in the slot machine just before getting on the plane, then
headed back home. The flight was long but somehow I was able to
sleep this time (although the movie was still messed up - America
West sucks).

Made it home about 10:00 Eastern today, and went straight to bed. It
seems almost a shame that there are no dbs to go drinking with, no
sleazy cocktail waitresses to ogle, and no cheap eats to be had.

But there's always next year! Who's with me?

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