Source: Page 90 of White Noise Keywords: "falling," "breakdown," "death," "machine"

From: Jeff <spam.me.senseless@sitting.duck.net> Subject: Canonical list of answering machine greetings Date: 3 Aug 2004 Newsgroups: rec.humor

CANONICAL LIST OF ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES --- machine theme --- Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does... (Owner is a hard-to-reach person:) Yes, I finally got an answering machine. (To Handel's Messiah:) Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! All-e-lu-ia! Please leave a message at the tone. What you are about to hear is not a beep. It is a digitally manipulated fart. Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...! No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! (Computer style monotone:) Hello, I am the XS486 Mark Five answering machine. I am equipped with the new Pentium processor to assure that nothing can go wrong... Gowrong... Grong.. Grong gronggronggrongBEEP Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you? Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions. Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding. Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal. Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that. Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. (Computer generated voices:) 1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now. 2: Yeah, nobody but us machines! 1: Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number... 2: ...and a message! You forgot about the message! 1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back. 1: I didn't expect an answering machine. 2: Nobody expects an answering machine. 1: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number. 2: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number. 1: And message. Damn. 2: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message. 1: And time you called. 2: Oh, damn, we'll have to start over. 1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep. (Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone". --- authority figures --- Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell. The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password. (Militaristic mechanical voice:) FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES. You just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming, Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you. --- odd organizations --- This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test. --- mainly musical theme --- (To the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries":) Leave a message... Leave a message... (Pink Floyd's "Nobody Home":) You have reached 587-8783. Please leave a message. ("Ohhhhhhhhh, babe... When I pick up the phone... There's still... Nobody home.") (Pink Floyd:) Welcome my friends, welcome... to... the machine... (Voice:) Please leave your name, phone number and message. Thank you. ("Camptown Races":) I can't come to the telephone; doo-dah, doo-dah. Leave your message when you hear the tone; oh, de doo-dah day. Might be gone all night... Might be gone all day... So leave a message when you hear the tone. I'll call you back someday... ("Muppet Show" theme:) It's time to leave a message After you hear the tone, It's time to leave a message 'Cause we're not at home tonight... It's time to leave a message On Kate and Shannon's phone, It's time to leave a message 'Cause we're not at home tonight. Just leave your name and number, Such simple things to do, And then when we get home we will Get right back to you. It's time to leave a message After you hear the tone. It's time to leave a message 'Cause we're not at home tonight. Gone to get a bite, Stayin' out all night, Yes we have a life! Leave a message, we're not home toniiiiight... --- family fun --- This is Fred. We are not... Excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (Sound of window breaking.) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later. (Loud sounds of a massive battle; calm voice:) Hello! Due to the breakdown in the 452nd truce, the inhabitants of village 286-3589 are cowering in their bomb shelters. However, if you leave your name, number, and a message, any survivors will get back to you when the 453rd truce begins. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. --- can't answer right now because... --- Hello, there is no one home to answer the phone. This doesn't mean we don't want to talk with you. It simply means there is no one home to talk with you. Some people get the incorrect message that there actually is someone home but they just don't want to answer the phone. This is not true. (Sound of scrap metal falling down a staircase continues through message.) Hello, we are having some technical problems right now, so we can't take your call. Please leave us a message. (Automatic gunfire, explosions, rockets, jets; agitated voice:) I'm pinned down and can't come to the phone right now, and Bob's handling supporting fire! Leave your name and number, and a message! We'll get back to you as soon... FIRE IN THE HOLE! (BOOM!) We'll get back to you as soon as the air cover napalms the place! Hi! I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've got to get him to the bathroom. Uh-oh! (Sound of a paper bag exploding.) Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. (or) Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it... (or) Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say? --- you're in big trouble --- (Sinister organ music:) Hello, you have reached the Brown residence. You now have two choices. Number one, you may leave a message. (Angelic "Hallelujah!") Or number two, suffer eternal damnation. (Horrid death scream.) You decide. The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. (Sound of a kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS! Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone. I am an electrical engineer. I can do that. You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you. --- befuddle the caller --- (A busy signal.) (Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service. The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. (Yes, same number.) Please make a note of it. Please leave a tone after the message. Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.) Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now. Maybe you should leave a message at the beep or call me back later. BEEP. (Pause three seconds.) Just kidding, that wasn't really the beep. Are you ready now? (Pick up the phone and say:) This is Chris. I'm not here right now. Leave me a message. BEEP. (Then listen.) Hi, you have reached an answer-person. I don't get paid to respond. However, anything after the whistle will be memorized to the best of my ability. (Long and very loud scream:) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIHHHH! BEEP Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP All our answering machines are busy. Please hold. (Pause.) All our answering machines are... (CLICK) This is the answering machine of... I just got a car phone. I'm not here at the moment. Leave me a message and I'll call you when I'm out. This is Jeff, you're not in now, so I'll leave a message. Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me? You've reached Mike and Nancy's answering machine. They're not home right now. At least, I don't think they are. Hang on. (Voice moves away from recording microphone.) Mike? Nancy? (Voice comes back.) Nope, they're not here, so at the beep... Ahhhhhhhhh... ahhhhhhhhhh... (Heavy breathing sounds, like an obscene phone call.) Oh, nuts, YOU called ME! Sorry. Never mind. Leave your name and number at the beep. --- other play with the caller --- Listen. (Pause.) And now talk. Blah, blablablah, blah, blah. Blah? Blah blah. Blah. BEEP (Classical music:) This is our answering machine. (Switch to heavy metal racket:) This is our answering machine on drugs. (Silence...) Any message? We have caller ID. You can leave a message... Though there's really no need to do so. I'm not home. While you are waiting for me to call you back, load up Netscape and visit my homepage on the Internet at http://www.fiu.edu/~jsosa01. (Gameshow-announcer voice:) Hello, and welcome to Phone Tag! (Cheers in background.) If you'd like to join the game, please leave your name and number at the beep, and we'll try to reach you when you're not around. And thanks once again for playing Phone Tag! Concatenation of events preclude our coming to the phone. Please speak freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of the tone. We're not home now. Leave your name and number and we'll call you back as soon as you are a vegetarian. (Replace "vegetarian" with prejudice of your choice.) (Oriental voice:) Hello, you have reached honorable Chan's residence. I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan. (Godzilla scream.) Oh no! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number at gong and Chan will call back if house still here. Him: Hi, this is Evan's answering machine... Her: (Interrupting:) Whose answering machine? Him: Sorry dear, I'll start again. Hi, this is Evan and MICHELLE's answering machine... Is that better? Her: Much better. Him: Good. Please leave your name and number after the beep. How's that? Her: Fine. Him: Okay, now I'll just figure out how to record it. --- science fiction --- Bridge, Kirk here. Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen? (Star Trek theme in the background:) (Voice 1:) Room 17, the final frontier. (Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. (Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone. --- brevity --- (Like a sheep:) Baaaaaaa. I'm gone. (Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK. This is David. Talk to me. You have reached 555-6238. Why? --- miscellaneous --- Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine! Rocky: Again? Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! (Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.) Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message. Google Home - Terms of Use - Privacy Policy - Jobs, Press, & Help

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