Source: Page 60 of White Noise Keywords: "kilos," "Adele," "where," "once"

From: "Fionnaigh" <fionnaigh@clear.net.nz> Subject: Sunday Bloody Sunday. Date: 26 Jul 1998 Newsgroups: nz.soc.queer

It is Sunday, and a rainy Sunday at that. I am feeling sorry for myself tonight. Why? School, friends, my health, my weight, my single-ness, a minor religious relapse, just life in general. Today I spent most of my time working on the many assignments I have left to the last minute - always good for inducing a bit of stress and frustration. At about 4 o'clock I decided to go to the gym. I was depressed to find that my "Gay and Lesbian Pride, Let it Shine Bright" t-shirt is starting to get rather tight around the middle. So I had to discard it and put on the baggier "National Youth Drama School 1997" t-shirt. Yup, I have put on quite a lot of weight this year... about 8 kilos since school started. And despite the fact that I have been trying to eat less and exercise more, the problem is getting worse, not better. My latest campaign tactic has been to give up the pill, which apparently can cause weight gain. Anyway, this did not make me feel great. So, went to the gym, worked up a sweat, headed off towards home... and on the way I suddenly realised that it was 6:30 Sunday night; eg church would be starting soon. So, for some weird reason I stopped outside St J's, and watched the music team practicing. I even cried, it brought back such a flood of memories and emotions. (Yes, I am an emotional person, I know.) I really wished that someone would see me, and come outside, and say "Hey Fi, it's great to see you! Why don't you come in for a while?" But of course, no one did. I guess God didn't feel like mentioning it to anyone that Fi was standing outside crying. It probably wasn't His will. Am I overreacting, or does it seem just a little strange that no one has tried to get in touch with me since I left church? I mean, considering the fact that I used to go every Sunday to at least one service, I was in the worship team, I was in the youth group, I joined various cell groups and prayer groups. I was always helping with anything that needed doing, art works, prayers, speeches, whatever. The last time I went to church was about the time of the ministers wedding, January 3. Since then I have seen people from church around town, at the aquatic centre, at school, and once I went in to worship practice when I dropped off a friend... but not one person has come up to me and said "Hey Fi, it's great to see you! We were worrying about you," or "I've been praying for you - I wondered why you weren't at church any more." No one has bothered to phone, no one has asked after me. After 3 years of praying with people, about their hopes and dreams, their deepest fears, their struggles, and being prayed for, 3 years of being told that people cared about me, loved me... Well, you would think someone would care just enough to call. Do I really mean that little to everyone? Is my "eternal future" really that unimportant? Did they forget me so quickly? You know, a couple people at the gym where I have been a member for a few weeks noticed I was gone while I was in Japan, and said "I haven't seen you for a while, where have you been?" You would think that God's chosen ones could do the same.

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